I should have known better, I should have done my homework, I should have known better. I can’t stand it when I’m caught off guard. So when the Thai Royal police officer looked at me and spoke, in the matter of fact, thick English. “You have now broken the law please wait in this line”. I was furious, and pissing myself simultaneously. I’ve seen the movies, I’ve heard the stories. I do my best to stay out of trouble everywhere and Thailand was no exception.
So I’m sure you’re asking yourself what’s going on, so let’s go back to the beginning. Diễm and I had a wonderful afternoon exploring Chiang Mai the previous day. Some snacks at the night market, a few cocktails over some wonderfully fresh Asian BBQ, and then we retired to get an early start the following day.
I was really struggling with WIFI here in Chiang Mai and instead of sleeping I stayed up until 1 am trying to get a post through. I was able to produce and upload the corresponding video to YouTube, but the post remained an elusive creature. So unsuccessful I finally succumbed to debilitating sleepiness.
We awoke a bit later than usual. Chiang Mai is in the same time zone as Da Nang, but being some 800 miles further East, the sun lazily rises just before 7. We wandered down to the open restaurant in the Inn for a Thai omelette and some coffee. We discussed renting a motorbike, Diễm was keen to drive and who was I to argue. The Wat (Temple) that is the symbol of Chiang Mai sits on the side of the mountain overlooking the city. One must ride or drive to get there and Diễm was willing and ready.
The Innkeeper pointed us in the right direction. We walked about a half mile to pick out a motorbike. After a short negotiation we secured the bike for 200 Baht or right at 7 dollars for half the day. To get to the temple she directed us to pull out of the rental place to the left, take the first left and another immediate left, as we were on a one way street, and it would take us to the temple.
With Diễm driving we whipped out of the rental place and did exactly as instructed. As we made the second left a series of orange cones curved in the road to force us into a makeshift police precinct and we were asked to shut off the engine. Do we have a driver’s license was the question and as I asked Diễm I knew her answer. It was in the apartment back in Da Nang. In addition she had surrendered her passport to the lady back at the rental place so she in effect had zero documentation. “You have now broken the law, please wait in this line”. Was all that was heard.
So with adrenaline pumping, and things not exactly orderly, I tried to make my move. The officer that dealt with us by the road had gone off to fry more fish and I saw an opportunity. There was some confusion about what type of driver’s license was acceptable. And so with adrenaline still coursing through my veins and my mind reeling to fully comprehend the situation, I walked up to the desk, slammed my drivers license on the table, exclaimed that I had found my license buried in my bag, I was indeed the driver of the motorbike, and knowing my U.S. driver’s license would be acceptable anywhere in the world, I stood confident that, yes I, had averted catastrophe.
“You are the driver?” He more states than asked. “Yes that’s correct” I confidently retorted. “It is illegal to drive in Thailand without a Thai license or an International license”. He said very matter of fact. “But the lady at the bike rental place said this would do.” I snapped back. His response, “It is until you get caught, It is her job to rent motorbikes, it is your job to know the law”. “500 baht, here is your ticket, you can continue to drive on this ticket for 5 days.” I had to make things clear, “So let me get this straight, you basically just issued me a ticket that in reality acts as a temporary international drivers license, and anyone can get this for 500 baht?” “Yes, you can continue to drive for 5 days. You can go now.”
I was fucked. The only way I was getting back on that bike was if I was driving. Caught in the trap of my own hubris I may have just signed my own death certificate. If I went back and explained that I was not the actual driver I can’t imagine what shit hole I’d get thrown into. I could get another ticket for Diem, but they had pretty much bent me over the barrel for all the cash I had on hand and in Thailand they are known to hold you indefinitely until someone shows up with the money.
And so as I soiled myself while simultaneously swallowing a gigantic glass of my own pride, I toasted to Karma, mounted the bike with Diễm spouting some pretty intense Vietnamese in my ears. I cranked that bad boy up and wobbled the shit out of it right into morning traffic.
While in motion I was ok. However, stopping with other motorbikes on my heels, drivers honking all around and having the highest cc model they offered in preparation for Diễm toting my fat ass up the mountain, I had come to peace with the fact that Thailand would, in fact be, where I died.
I got stuck on a boulevard with a median and had to turn around in the other direction to get back to the bike shop. Now remember in Thailand they drive on the other side of the road so everything is backwards. I turn right to hope to make the u-turn but Some asshole cuts me off so now I’m just making a right hand turn. As I straighten up I’m thinking ok, I’ll just make another right and get back in the right direction. WRONG!
I can’t read Thai, the signs might as well be in Martian, and I have just turned onto an on-ramp to Thai 11, the equivalent of I-75. I’m definitely going to die. I’m on the left side of the interstate, therefore the exits are on the left, and the are not like back home where each exit has either an underpass or overpass to join back on in the other direction. I don’t know this so I take the first exit into a neighborhood.
After 30 minutes of wandering this interstate, the only way out I found was back onto Thai 11. In the same direction I was going. I am losing my mind right now and I am super happy I’m not fluent in Vietnamese. I can only imagine what is being strongly expressed into my ear.
As I merge back onto the expressway, I see a red light in the distance. I take the next exit hoping and praying for salvation. There it is. An overpass that connects back to the other direction. Even better, it has an access road that runs back to the road I initially turned off of. I am now headed back into downtown Chiang Mai and to safety.
We reach the rental place and it is packed. We walked up to the desk, she asked the problem, I explained. She confirms the officers statements and says we signed the contract which states we drive the bike, we pay for the bike. However, She is willing to do us a favor and not charge us for gas as we were to refill it. The funny thing is we didn’t even use enough gas to move the fuel gauge. Very nice of her.
Diễm meanwhile, is about to go ballistic on everyone including me. The lady refuses to refund even a portion of the money and I’m sensing a kickboxing match about to break out. Diễm is one of the toughest women I know and I’m trying really hard to think of how to prevent another land war in Southeast Asia.
I begin to question everyone in line to rent. Do you have an international license, oh you speak Spanish, got ya. “Tiennes una tarjeta internationales para manejar?”. French? Bring it on. “Avez-vous une licence internationale?”. I hadn’t spoken French that well in a long time. It wasn’t anything complicated, just getting a simple point across. No one did, some didn’t care, others felt it deceitful as I had. The lady was beginning to get flustered as she suddenly had to explain the tickets that they were going to get, but she spun it as oh, it’s just a mandatory license, no big deal, only 500 baht.
When you negotiate a price you do so to feel like you’ve gotten a good deal. But when you then get slapped by a fine or mandatory ticket that no one is upfront about, it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. With the woman becoming irritated to the point of maybe calling the police on her own. Diễm needed to get out of there. I myself felt that things were about to spiral to a place I can’t easily get out of. I grabbed our things, looked at Diễm and we got the hell out of there.
It almost ruined our day, but I wasn’t going to let it. We were taking a Thai cooking class in the evening and though we never made it to the temple on the mountain, we didn’t let it ruin our vacation. It was after all Thanksgiving day. And Right now there were many things I was Thankful for.
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